Merely looking after your watch for the next generation

If you buy a Patek Philippe, it is yours. You do actually own it. "It's your money, you paid for it," as a former President with a questionable record once said.

Ah, the Patek Philippe family. Looking after your watch for your son who looks like he is about to launch a Snapchat clone. Just last weekend, he put some serious mileage on your Ferrari, and then found out that you can't get the digital odometer to decrease by going in reverse.

Some suggestions on how to better spend the $50k that your watch cost:

• Buy an Apple Watch. They are less than $500, so that will leave you with $49500.
• Next, buy a really nice bottle of wine.
• Redo your kitchen.
• Give the rest to me.

When to have Tequila

When you're out of Mezcal.

That's when you have Tequila.

Life Enjoyment, part 4: the right wine for the occasion

Having the right wine for the right occasion is the pinnacle of life. A lot of people say it's the cherry on top, but it's really not because I would have already eaten the cherry, thus it would no longer be on top. You can't eat the pinnacle, you can only be the pinnacle.

Be the pinnacle.

Being the pinnacle involves having the right kind of wine on hand. Let me give you an example. Suppose you have some lovely guests at your house, it's the middle of a hot Oakland summer day, everyone is enjoying themselves in the garden. People are having a nice time. The question almost poses itself: What kind of wine do you open? Obviously, you open a Sancerre.

You know this is where a lot of people ask me: First, how do you know I should be serving a Sancerre? And second, should I have Sancerre on hand at all times?

The answer to the second question is obviously a yes.

The answer to the first question is a bit more complicated.

Obviously, over the last 2000 years (basically after Jesus was born, but before people decided that his blood was in fact crappy wine), a lot of people (not just me) have thought about this important question: What is the right wine for the occasion?

And folks, let me tell you, BOY have you come to the right place for the answer to this. You know a lot of people call me and say, yo CPC, do you have some tips about what wine I should be serving?

Do I have some tips about what you should be serving! Just recently a lovely couple (let's call them E and G) came to me and they wanted me to get some wines for their wedding. And you know what? I got them some wines. It was easy. It was fast. It was delicious. People loved it.

It has been months since this wedding I'm talking about, and they say "wow, CPC, you did a really really excellent job pairing those meals with that wine." Hell yes I did. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling.

Point is, I know a LOT about wine. Ask anyone. Ask my wife. She knows it. I am excellent.

Life Enjoyment, part 3: the right kind of decor for your crib

Vintage signs. Everywhere.

If it doesn't have letters, it doesn't go on your wall.

Life Enjoyment, part 2: a nice ride

Let's talk about your ride. It's really quite simple. There are two options: Regular and L. I don't say "Large" because that uses too many letters.

To illustrate: Regular looks like this:

And L looks like this:

As you can see, the L means business. See those little office towers in the background of that picture? That's where you are commuting to to make all that sweet moolah that you will need in order to afford the badboy I refer to as the L.

Both will transport wine from A to B. The L will just transport more wine.

Life Enjoyment, part 1: a fully stocked kitchen

The Enjoyment series, part 1.

A fully stocked kitchen. You will need one. Items you will need:

1. Japanese kitchen knives. a lot of people say you should have German ones. Don't. The Japanese know how to cut things.

2. Three kinds of flour.

3. A wine fridge. I recommend full height. You know what they say: "Full height, full life"

Enjoyment means

1. a fully stocked kitchen (more on this later)

2. a nice ride (ditto)

3. the right kind of decor in your crib (ditto)

4. the right wine for the occasion (this is the cherry on top)